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I finally finished reading Permanent Record. It's an important read so I've uploaded an ePub to my site as well as an exported PDF.
Unless I receive a DMCA takedown notice, they'll stay there.

I'll eventually write something about it but I have a lot of notes and quotes to go through first.

I am having a "why do I even bother trying" type of day. :flan_sad:

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Melyanna boosted

Today felt productive as I did some art and planted a couple of seeds in my digital garden

Guess who doesn't need another project, yet just made a Digital Garden?

I love how the day I got enough rest, exercised, ate well and hydrated properly I also got stomach aches and reflux.
Is my body telling me I should go back to working 8am to 9pm, with a diet of coffee and ice-cream?

I worked so hard the past month and it went so fast!

I was so tired I slept all day yesterday

I have been away for a few days because work got intense

And by "feeling wrong" I mean that I basically feel like a failure, not fitting anywhere, not going anywhere.

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Being a perfectionist without really excelling in anything is tough.
Especially when you already feel sad 99% of the time.
Also, I feel like I can't get anything right lately and me projecting my insecurities on everyone and in any situation is feeding a vicious cycle where I keep feeling more and more like I am wrong.

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I feel like I should channel this anger/sadness/anxiety and do something with it (exercise? Paint?) but I am too tired for that, and I know that getting mediocre results would make things worse.
I wasn't programmed for doing things just because they are pleasant even if the result isn't perfect.

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Haven't checked in the past few days.
I am having a bit of a shite day.
Trying to keep myself above the surface but I feel like I am being dragged down.
It's life, I guess.
I should probably look a bit more at what I have that I am taking for granted and focus less on what I wish I had but keeps dissolving when I think I have it in my hands.
It's just kind of hard to put that in practice when I am feeling so emotional.

Me, at 9PM, finishing all the stuff I have to do before the day ends: "I am so tired! I could sleep now".
Me, in bed, a couple of hours later:"Hello anxiety! Hello increased brain activity! What is even sleep?".

I am not very good at figuring out when people have negative feelings about me, or when they are OK with me and I am just projecting my own insecurities on them.
In fact, I am really terrible at this. I wonder where this comes from and if it's something I can still fix (given I am OLD).

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