Mæve @sid@tilde.zone

I don't understand. I just don't understand.
what's going on? why? how? what did I do to deserve this? what's the reason? why? why?
I don't understand I don't get it I can't comprehend it

It's so damn fucking traumatizing, every single day. It hurts so damn much. I'm so done. I fear how this will continue. I know that I can't continue enduring it much longer. I'm so dangerously close to my limit. All while there's no end in sight. If anything, the situation seems to just get worse and worse.

I'm afraid. terrified.

Every single fucking goddamn day, I have multiple mental breakdowns; panic attacks as well. I can't sleep at night. I constantly feel tired and powerless. I can't concentrate.
I desperately try to muster the strength to survive one more day, every day.

I had trust issues before already, but now I practically can't trust anyone anymore, with very very few exceptions. I'm so so insecure now in whatever I do, think or experience.

I feel like a burden by merely existing. I feel bad when other people have to endure my presence or existence. I'm a mess.

Everything I do or don't do, say or don't say, can and will be used against me sooner or later.

The only winning move is not to play.

sometimes I wish my rl friends cared enough to read my toots and connect the dots

You deserve good people in your life

people who value you
people who see you
for who you are
for being who you are
for you being you

people who cherish you
people who defend you
people who support you
people who stay with you
for you being you

people who keep you safe
people who help you grow
people who root for you
people who celebrate you
for you being you

people who understand you
people who comfort you
people who trust you
people who love you
for you being you

when I said I wanted "double D's", I meant tiddies; not dysphoria & depression…

I'm in awe of the awesome and flourishing #tokipona community in the fediverse :)
You rock!

This is a cry for help.
The fact that the toot is pinned, speaks volumes.

I don't understand. I just don't understand.
what's going on? why? how? what did I do to deserve this? what's the reason? why? why?
I don't understand I don't get it I can't comprehend it

It's so damn fucking traumatizing, every single day. It hurts so damn much. I'm so done. I fear how this will continue. I know that I can't continue enduring it much longer. I'm so dangerously close to my limit. All while there's no end in sight. If anything, the situation seems to just get worse and worse.

I'm afraid. terrified.

Every single fucking goddamn day, I have multiple mental breakdowns; panic attacks as well. I can't sleep at night. I constantly feel tired and powerless. I can't concentrate.
I desperately try to muster the strength to survive one more day, every day.

I had trust issues before already, but now I practically can't trust anyone anymore, with very very few exceptions. I'm so so insecure now in whatever I do, think or experience.

I feel like a burden by merely existing. I feel bad when other people have to endure my presence or existence. I'm a mess.

Everything I do or don't do, say or don't say, can and will be used against me sooner or later.

The only winning move is not to play.

There are a lot of other things still on my to-do list of course. Still, soon being able to finally mark this achievement as done, fills me with inexplicable joy :)

I got an appointment to begin HRT at the end of July! They'll probably do some tests first of course, but if all goes well I'll hopefully be starting with hormones in August I hope :)

I'm so happy! I've been dreaming about it for so so long! Can't wait for the day to come!

hot take:
add pins to map on every city you want to go visit people, so you can plan the route.
call it the traveling cutie problem

fedi, what do you think?

still can't decide whether to use Maeve or Mæve as my name.
(cursed alternative: Mæve)

I heard my name being used in an awesome short animation video 0 a few days ago.
It's the first time I've heard it being used 'in the wild' after I decided on Maeve as my new name. What a lovely coincidence. It somehow felt reassuring and sweet to hear it being used somewhere else as well.
I like that my name isn't that common, but also not completely rare. It's right on the sweet spot ^{^}

It's also nice to hear "Maeve" in a video where they're not "that character from Sex Education"

The facial hair removal saga continues.
Just had my second appointment for laser epilation. Wasn't as bad as the first time. Skin was probably less irritated. Still hurt a lot though.
I asked for anything to reduce the pain and was told to take some pain meds 1h before the treatment next time. Noted.
At least the doc mentioned that the procedure seems to work quite well. I may not need all the planned sessions.

I'll hope for the best. Looking forward to the day where these toots are just another memory in my timeline.

Now I just need to face my healthcare provider so they cover the costs. I'll pay if they don't, but I'd prefer not having to.

I have no words.

Like, I am able to mostly brush it off with most genuine mistakes.
But duuude, show some decency and responsibility at least, no?

I hope it'll at least get fixed for next time. I directly addressed the responsible person to point that out after all.

It was merely by mistake I've been told, as "sorry, the sides we're created before the name change announcement". Yeah, no shit.

Doesn't validate at to do that. Especially if they had enough time to fix/update the slides.

They present the same talk year and year again. They update some parts between presentations. And on top of that, in this concrete case, they even verbally addressed some correction/detail regarding the slides about another person. Seconds before deadnaming me.

I mean come on...

from unwanted, very recent experience:
getting directly deadnamed in a talk,
by a speaker on stage who's a coworker of mine,
who knows about my name change,
complemented by corresponding slides including my deadname,
while I'm there in person to experience it,
sitting at that specific talk as a spectator to show support,
isn't exactly great…

The whole thing getting recorded and therefore saved for all eternity, doesn't make it any better.

I'm normally not that sensitive in that regard, but this was something else.
Thanks a lot.

Anyone today at the #openSUSE Conference 2022?
#openSUSECon

changed my name in most tools at work and sent a short message in the team chat pointing to that update.

I'm now called Maeve there as well.

Let's see how this turns out…

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

wow!
thank you so so much for your support everyone!